Recognizing Assaults and Simple Attacks
Rules For Defending Against Verbal Assaults
- Know that you are under attack by a verbal assault.
- Know your power situation.
- Plan your defense knowing that you cannot be made a victim without internally giving your permission for it to happen.
- Execute.
Simple Verbal Assaults
Verbal assaults directly presented would include name calling, negative references about the victim’s physical appearance, size, race, education, religion, condition of birth, etc. and derogatory comments concerning one’s individual habits and personal failures. This category also includes sarcasm and irony where the comments including how they are stressed, are intended as an attack upon a person or one of their characteristics. If it is the intent of the attacker to start a physical confrontation without regard to consequences, then it is unlikely that anything that is said will prevent the attack but we need to try with words.
Look at the above rules.
1. The words spoken, including words emphasized, by your attacker leave no doubt that you are being attacked.
2. Next, what is the physical power situation? Is your attacker likely to initiate a physical confrontation or does he/she need to have you start any physical contact? Assuming that fighting is not an option for you, then the safest mode is to assume the controlled posture, in body and words. Show little or no emotion and see if you can determine the reason for the attack. Seek to diffuse the situation and plan to move away from the attacker as best you can.
3. If words will diffuse the situation (more information following), speak them. Otherwise, move to a position of safety. Do not goad your attacker with words like, “Same to you.” even from a seemingly safe distance or from a position of safety. If the scene is likely to be replayed (i.e., if you must do the same thing again – like walk home along the same path) at a later date, then do not set the groundwork for a physical attack later.
Be aware that some individuals, usually male, can make a game out of verbal assault language. The “winner” is the one who can direct the worst or most vicious attack at the other. Many “players” will go on to learn the more complicated attack techniques. After the “game” is over with a winner conceded, they will go on to another game or back to work. According to Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D., this game is occasionally played in some work situations where the work group is all male. A woman can join the group and eventually learn and participate in the “game”. However, if a second woman comes into the same group, she will usually be mentally crushed when the stream of invective (negative comments) is directed toward her by her fellow woman as part of the “game”. In today’s business climate, this “game” has no place in the workplace or in any place of learning. The game is so destructive psychologically that it should not be allowed anywhere and no adult should teach it to any child.
Double Binds
An either/or question is a question where the answer called for is “yes” or “no” for one of a pair of options included in the question. The simple question “Did you rob the bank today?” is not a double bind because a “yes” or “no” answer will provide the right meaning. A double bind occurs when an either/or question is asked in such a way that, if the question is answered before addressing the assumption or assumptions, the answer could mislead those listening to the answer. For example, “Yesterday, when you robbed the bank, did you eat breakfast or not?” is a double bind because, if the one answers the breakfast question without qualifying the truthfulness first about the robbery allegation, then those hearing the answer will hear an answer of admitting to having robbed the bank whether one answers “yes” or “no”. Many students of have been taught, for the purpose of test taking, that if any part of a question is wrong, then the whole question is wrong. That is not the case with double bind conversational situations. Only then may an answer be given to the correct or incorrect question part.
Explain why you cannot give a simple “yes” or “no” answer (or choose an option as may be the case) by pointing out what the bind is and why you cannot answer the question with a simple reply.
No unusual stress need be present to initiate a double bind type attack.
Simple Indirect Attacks
In a direct attack, the offending words are usually found in adjectives or in the verb of the sentence. For example,
“You are a stupid person!”
In the sentence above, the sentence invites a rebuttal (and a defense of our inner self) such as “What do you mean “stupid”? The sentence invites a response calling for the speaker to justify their negative comments. The same result can be achieved by hiding the critical comment in its noun form and by frequently placing it before the verb as in items 1. and 2. below:
1. “Your stupidity vexes me.” or,
2. “Your being stupid vexes me.” or,
3. “I find your stupidity interesting.”
The initial comeback to either of the first two would normally be something like, “What do you mean ‘vexes’ you?” This reply carries with it an acceptance of “being stupid” and our inner self within hears and is aware of the attack. The same result would occur if the reply to the third sentence were something like, “What do you mean ‘interesting’?” The correct response in order to defend against the attack would be to question the use of the word “stupidity” and to ignore “vexes” and “interesting” entirely. The attack is in the negative word aimed as us and the rest of the statement is “bait” inviting us to accept the attack. Answer the attack first and then go after the bait.
Examples of negative words that are derived from verbs and adjectives that are in their noun forms are as follows:
There are many other adjectives and verbs that similarly have noun forms. The words to be aware of are those that denote negative qualities.
There are other words that can take the place of “vexes” and “interesting”. “Interesting” is, perhaps, the mildest of such words. Other words would include annoying, irritating, upsetting, amusing, etc. The stronger the replacement “bait” is for “interesting”, the more likely that the attack word will be overlooked.
Each of the examples above (the direct attack and the three covert samples) included the word “your”. The inclusion of “your” includes a strong presupposition in and of itself that whatever follows “your” exists and is true.
The last simple attack variant involves the making of what sounds like a general statement that is something negative about a group and then, later, to assign the victim to the group. Several sentences may intervene before the attack is actually completed.
“Liars really aggravate me. Yesterday, I was watching a TV show and it was obvious that the guy was not being truthful to the girl that he was talking to about where he had seen the night before. Today, you aggravate me.”
Because of the structuring above, our inner self hears itself being called a liar. The middle sentence is filler or bait being used to disguise the attack. No doubt, if the speaker were challenged on the above sequence, we would quickly find out that there are other things that “aggravate” the speaker and the problem in question was something else. If our internal self does not hear a challenge to the attack, then our internal self feels the pain of the attack.
In all of the simple attacks described above, no unusual stress was indicated and none is needed for a simple attack to be felt internally. However, extra stress on the word “your” or on the attack word or phrase is like shouting to our inner self that we are about to be under attack.
We listen very carefully internally to what is being said because the words and word forms used to launch attacks against us can and are often used to compliment us and some of the compliments can be very nice. The same will be true of the hidden attacks but with opposite effect.
Satir Modes
Below are some preliminary details that we need to know before we continue reviewing attacks hidden in presuppositions. First, there are several positions that Dr. Elgin called “Satir Modes”. These are Placater, Blamer, Computer, Distracter, and Leveler. We have seen most of these positions before under different names.
Placater- The “Placater” is the primary Amiable backup position that is called the “Acquiesor”. “Whatever the problem, I must give in and go along. Otherwise, people may not like me anymore.” Vocal stress is required on either or both the presupposition and the bait.
Blamer- The “Blamer” is the primary Expressive backup position that is called the “Attacker”. “Whatever the problem seen, it was not my fault and nobody cares for what I say or do and nobody loves me.” Vocal stress is required on either or both the presupposition the bait.
Leveler- The Leveler is either a “Driver” or an “Autocrat” depending upon whether or not an attack can be determined to be intended. A Leveler can often make statements that sound like they are coming from either a blamer or placater but with the vocal stress completely omitted and without an attack being intended. In the same conversation, stress placed later on either the original presupposition or what sounded like bait originally may turn the original statement into an attack.
Distracter- The Distracter is a combination of two or more of the three listed above. As noted with the Social style backup modes, a person may use other modes if their primary backup mode is not available. This grouping shows that they may use more than one style at a time. It is probably the least often seen mode.
Computer- The Computer is the primary Social Style found in the Analytical quadrant and is that of an Analytical-Analytical or an ISTP. It is not an attack mode but rather a safety position for those that feel that they are under attack for all types in all quadrants and sub-quadrants. Dr. Elgin writes: “The Computer . . .
* is never angry or emotional or hurried or upset.
* never talks in the first person singular (“I”, “me”, “my”, “mine”, “myself”) without a heavy artillery of modifying sequences.
* always talks in abstractions and generalities.
* says, “It is ________ that . . .”, for example, “It is obvious that there is no cause for alarm.”
* always looks absolutely calm and relaxed.
* usually takes a single physical position early in the conversation and maintains it from then on never committing himself or herself to anything.
If you don’t know what to do, the rule is always: SWITCH TO COMPUTER MODE AND STAY THERE. There is no safer stance.” (Elgin. 1980. p 13) The Computer mode is the antithesis of what to expect from a Social Style expressive in normal conversation and it may take some practice on the part of expressives to get in and remain in this mode. We all need to know what to do in computer mode and how and when to use the style.
What is My Psychological Type 