The Keys to Identifying Verbal Attacks
There are several words that literally demand that you listen to what is coming next from someone else.
These include you, your, and your given name especially when they are stressed by speaker. The reason that they are so important is that individually each of these words carries the presumption that what follows is true. The word, “really” is also a demand that what follows is true especially if it or another nearby word key is stressed. The words only, ever, and never, also require careful listening especially when used to describe actions or inaction, if the limiting word is not completely true for event or the action. Other keys include unexpected words being stressed, a sequence of stressed words, and the absence of a stressed word or words when there should be stress heard. In attacks, the words should, ought, will, would, can, could, may, might, must, and shall can replace each other, especially if stressed.
It should be noted here that problems mostly arise not from the words identified themselves but from how they are delivered in the conversation. Even the words, “I love you.” can be said in such a way, usually involving sarcasm, that they can be used in forming a verbal assault. Words become weapons for harm by how they are spoken and, most often, involving stress (as of the same type seen with the doctor authorizing chocolate for a child). The same words identified in the paragraph above are frequently the basis for the beginning of some very nice complements and the key words may even be stressed. The whole conversation needs to be taken into account. Language is most often both the problem and the solution.
If you detect a verbal attack directed toward you, plan your defense keeping in mind that you cannot be made a victim without internally giving your permission for it to happen. Previous permissions to accept the victim role can be overridden by a new defense. Go to computer mode for yourself. Plan first to respond to the, usually faulty, attack part first and then to the bait (no matter how vile the bait). Respond to double binds, as previously discussed, by responding to the false assumption first and then answering the question posed. And, in the event of a cascade of attacks coming too fast for individual attention, use use Dr. Elgin’s Boring Baroque Response (BBR) technique. A BBR is a tangential response using, occasionally one of their key words, but that can come from anywhere, consisting of string of information that takes the podium from the attacker placing the attacker in a position of them being forced to listen to you while you talk on anything but their (the attacker’s) agenda. For example; “You just used the word ‘really’. Now that is a very important word. When you give it extra stress, it yells at you telling you to listen to what follows. What follows is deemed to be true or truth that cannot be challenged. Why just last night, I heard it spoken on Channel 13 while I was watching a re-run of “I Love Lucy” or was it on “Major Crimes” or “Bonanza”. . .continuing until your attacker moves on. If you are interrupted, re-start your BBR from the beginning and, eventually, the attacker will either change the topic or respond to your BBR or walk away. The end result is that you will not have given them permission to make a victim of you. And, you have not given them the emotional response that they may crave if you successfully remained in Computer mode all the while.
If you have a situation of multiple attackers, try to delay the attack by asking what going on and get them to agree to who gets to speak first, then second, and so forth. If you are forced into the BBR with one person then be willing to use the same response again and your attackers may understand that you are not in the mood to accept their attack. If someone speaks up to support what the current speaker is saying then remind them that it is not their turn to speak.
The word “want”, as in the phrase, “You should not want . . “ will always lead to a false comment. Humans cannot control the many and various “wants” that come into their consciousness. There may be present a trigger initiating some wants, but not necessarily. But in all cases, we cannot control such random desires. To imply otherwise is to create a falsity or lie. We can ignore them, but not stop them.
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